Creating New Memories in a Time of Grief

I will always picture Thanksgiving as it was when I was growing up — my grandpa would add table leaves to his and my grandma’s antique dining-room table and relocate it to the living room. My whole family — aunts and uncles and cousins included — would come to town, bringing with them candy-bar pie and stories about brushes with fame that my cousin would probably make up on the ride from Tulsa to Wichita. My grandma would make the secret family macaroni-and-cheese recipe, the secret being not to skimp on the cheese. Their small two-bedroom house was vibrant and loud, and there was enough food for the entire block it seemed. 

Some of my favorite memories happened in that house, where we’d also gather for Christmas Eve every year, and where I used to watch Cartoon Network and eat buttery microwave popcorn before my parents even had a microwave. It was the place I ate lunch every weekday for an entire summer when I didn’t have any friends at a new job. It’s the same small house with beautiful wooden floors, shelves my grandpa made and hung himself, and a workshop garage filled with sawdust, the same small house that was sold just last month. 

While Thanksgiving has changed over the years, this year will look painfully different, coming just three months after my grandpa passed away. My grandma died in 2015, but in the last nine years we kept all of our traditions alive with my grandpa. Now, for the first time ever in my life, I’ll have to forgo his warm greeting of, “Hey, girl,” and the hugs that smelled like peppermint with a hint of tobacco — a habit we guilted him into quitting years ago. It’s something we may have lost sight of during the tireless work of making his final arrangements after death, but after three months the reality feels a little sharper. The realization that nothing will be the same as it has been for the last 34 years is sobering in the face of holidays and tradition. 

Traditions to Honor Those We’ve Lost

Meredith Osborne, a therapist at Soma and a local yoga instructor, told me that this feeling of loss is heightened for many people during the holiday season. “Grief is really tough, it’s really slow, but I think, ‘Maybe that one person isn’t here, but maybe we can carry on the traditions,’ ” said Osborne. “So many people have so many beautiful memories of people who took time to make holidays special; maybe that person isn’t here, but how can you carry that forward?”

So many traditions come to mind for me — making Chex Mix, playing Clue, watching westerns and classic movies. My daughter spent an entire decade with her great-grandfather, and has come to love the traditions as much as I have. Osborne suggests continuing those traditions for generations to come. 

“Maybe that person is gone, but maybe we can keep them alive in different ways,” Osborne said. 

While grief is particularly painful during the holidays, many people feel other heightened emotions during the holiday season as well. The holidays make way for chaotic schedules, lavish meals, gift-giving and gathering with people you likely don’t see but once a year. All of this can cause stress — financial stress, the stress of dealing with difficult people, stress on your time, and more. 

New Memories and Chosen Family

“One thing I think is really important is getting back to basics,” said Osborne. “When things feel overwhelming and chaotic, we sometimes think the answer is to do more and more and more, but really the answer is to do less.”

By basics, Osborne means basic human needs, things like getting enough sleep, eating the right amount of food and food that nourishes your body, moving your body, hydrating and getting vitamin D — whether through sunlight or a supplement. But even if those basic resources are met, the stress of the season can still be overwhelming at times. 

“Trying to be okay with saying ‘no,’ and being honest with yourself. Say you have all of those resources, but you still need time and space, because it’s a lot emotionally, it can be draining. But we’re able to say ‘no’ and give ourselves space to manage all of those feelings,” Osborne said. “We have to take care of ourselves first in order to truly give.”

“Write things down with pen and paper, or just slow down, be present and notice what we have right here, right now.” — Meredith Osborne, therapist at Soma

For some, gathering with family can be especially stressful, particularly during an election year when political values are constantly at the forefront, and emotions are high. Thanksgiving comes just a few weeks after the presidential election, and if that means disagreements at the dinner table, Osborne suggests setting your boundaries in advance and keeping in mind that many beliefs are deeply ingrained, and one conversation over Thanksgiving dinner likely won’t sway them. 

“There’s certain things I won’t talk about, there’s certain things I won’t go into, I think we know certain issues for us that are no-go territory. Again, just check in and be aware,” Osborne said. “Accept people for who they are — it doesn’t mean that we have to like it — it just means that I release my wanting them to change. I’m not going to change what they think.” 

The holidays can also be a painful reminder for many people of strained family relationships. Osborne says that you aren’t alone, and that sense of family can come from friends, co-workers, church, anywhere you can find a sense of community. 

“I would first say that you are not alone. We tend to think we are, especially when it comes to things that we isolate about and don’t talk to other people about,” Osborne said. “Create a community — and I think there’s a lot of conversation now about chosen family, people who you choose, instead of people you are related to.” 

Above all, the holiday season, particularly Thanksgiving, is a time to reflect on what we are thankful for, but amidst the chaos, sorting out our thoughts can be difficult. Osborne suggests taking intentional time with a pen and paper and writing, reminding ourselves of the beautiful things in our lives.

“Our brains naturally have a negativity bias, we look for the negative over the positive, so we have to train our brains to look for the good things,” Osborne said. “Write things down with pen and paper, or just slow down, be present and notice what we have right here, right now.” 

While I look ahead to Thanksgiving this year, I may also look back to the 33 Thanksgivings before. The Swedish prayers, the antique place settings, the scents and the warmth of the small house off of West Street. I am grateful for those three decades, and when it’s my turn to share what I’m thankful for, it’s that: It’s the love I feel when I close my eyes and chase down those old memories. It’s the love I feel when I picture my grandparents, reunited again, at that old antique dinner table, Johnny Mathis playing in the background, sharing the last slice of pie. 

Osborne leads a seasonal healing group for women that includes yoga, journaling, breathwork and sharing experiences, creating a small community for women. If you are interested in connecting with her through therapy or the group she facilitates, contact Soma at somawichita.com or 316.201.6047.